People think of depression in its most obvious form, which is someone who is unable to draw joy from the world, who is downcast, and has difficulty getting out of bed even. Yet the demons of depression have many different masks, and today I want to talk about one of those masks in particular: anger.
While I have certainly been trapped in a bed, unable to find the energy to get dressed, or shower, or sometimes even eat, I have also found times when my depression led to a nasty bit of anger. And as today’s post is part of Faith & Healing, the weekly series that examines the role faith has played in my recovery, I wanted to talk about one of the common recipients of my anger, at least early on, which was God.
I believe that it is okay in God’s eyes to be mad at Him, even if, like most people, it isn’t His first preference. And I will say up front that I have no scripture or biblical evidence to support this belief, but my God, the God that I pray to and that I believe is there with me in my journey is one of grace and forgiveness. He is a God that wants a relationship with us, and sometimes in relationships we get angry with one another. I think even if you are angry, if you keep yourself open to that relationship, that is all God asks.
I say that based on my own experience. God has saved me through His grace. Yes, I have done a lot of work in recovery to get where I am. Work is required. Yet I also think I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for God and His plan for me. If He had closed the book on me because I was mad at him in the darkest days of my depression, I don’t think He would have guided me on the path that I’ve been on.
And so I might not be as devout in my faith as say Job, but then again I wonder how many of us truly are. Yet I’ve also learned in my journey in depression the danger of comparing yourself to another, even if that other is one from the Bible. Scratch that, especially if they are someone from the Bible.
My journey in recovery and my journey in faith are both journeys that are uniquely mine. Just as your journeys are uniquely yours. My point, and there is a point to this whole post, is that in my belief and my experience God accepts us and wants a relationship with us, even if that relationship includes anger, depression, and God. Especially if that relationship includes anger, depression, and God. Because God walks that path with us.
And that is nothing to be angry about.
Have a good week.