Maybe I should back up a bit.
In my weekly therapy appointment this week I was talking about my anxiety and how I felt like it was holding me back from taking risks. When my therapist asked for an example I mentioned skydiving. “Like logically, statistically, I know it is pretty safe, but my anxiety is like ‘yea, no thank you.'”
And to this my therapist asked what should have been my first question, which is do you want to jump out of a plane and honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know because my damn anxiety won’t get past its, ‘wait, you want to do what?’ reaction. But I think I might…?
On a more practical level, it is simply that I am so risk adverse it is ridiculous. My anxiety imagines all the common and especially all the uncommon and unlikely possibilities of any risk I am considering, holding me back until I get some kind of validation, some kind of certainty that there will be solid ground for me to land on, which is a poor choice of wording now that I think about my original title since there will be solid ground when I skydive, that much I can be sure of, it is just how hard I hit it, which is the whole problem. Unless I skydive into the ocean, which also seems like it would be problematic and something that only navy seals should be doing.
I’m sorry I got off topic, which actual is a common tactic pulled by my anxiety when it comes to distracting from whatever risk I might be considering. Or it just means I’m easily distracted, I don’t know. I’m sorry y’all, I’m still trying to figure out if I even want to jump out of a plane.
And this post might seem all over the place (mostly because it is, I’m sorry, I’m slightly sleep deprived and definitely over-caffeinated). I’m sorry about that. However, this is also an accurate representation because in addition to keeping me grounded it makes me very distractable. Also, I realize that I just talked being grounded, which is usually is a good thing when it comes to my recovery, but again it was a poor choice of words since in this case it was a bad thing because I’m not taking risks and not moving forward the way I would like.
Again, sorry, I’m off topic. The take away from this I guess that is my anxiety is super annoying when it comes to taking risks and that I am easily distracted when I have too much caffeine. And that I may or may not want to jump out of a plane.
P.S. When I first wrote that I was over-caffeinated I left out the hyphen, causing spell check to get all upset, and in addition to suggesting the right spelling, it also suggested over-inflated, which I think means spell check just called me fat. Not cool spell check, not cool.