Try saying that three times fast.
Yesterday, I wrote about my current depressive episode. And while I am still battling through it, it occurred to me that there was one more thing that was ridiculous about depression. And that one thing is that there is something amiss with my mind, my memory, as it is in the midst of it’s damn depressive episode.
What exactly is amiss? I don’t know how to describe it because for starters I struggle with stringing together two words. What else is amiss? My memory. I almost sent the same email at work three times yesterday because my brain was so foggy that I forgot that I had already sent it.
And it fucking sucks. And you know it is ridiculous to say, “sorry, I can’t think about that because my brain is broken, because my brain can’t fucking handle it’s serotonin.” People get mad at you for fucking shit up and you’re like, “I know, it fucking sucks, but it isn’t my fault,” but you don’t actually say that because there is something amiss in your brain and, as I said, you can’t string together the words.
I honestly did not expect this to turn into a curse-laden rant. I don’t know what I was expecting from this post, but it wasn’t this. And it is weird to be venting about myself, my own darkness, as if it is something else.
But the truth is that it is something else.
Something is amiss in my brain when it is in the midst of a mental health episode because this disease messed it up. But this disease isn’t me. I have depression and anxiety, but I am not my depression and anxiety.
That doesn’t mean I’m excused from taking responsibility for myself and my disease. I heard somewhere recently that mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse, and that is true. Part of not being my mental illness is recognizing when something is amiss and working to set it right. And it is not a perfect system, but it is better than the alternative. It is better than throwing my hands up to the wind and saying woe is me.
Because I have depression and anxiety, and sometimes that causes things to go amiss in my mind, but I won’t let it cause things to go amiss in my life.
So if something is amiss in your brain, I feel for you. I’ve been there myself. I am there now. But you are stronger than your mental illness, strong enough to put it right again.